Mike Knowles's Page

An Idea for a Series

Main Characters
Father Seamus McGinty: A chubby, genial, 48-year old who lives at 221b Bakers Lane in London’s Soho. The apartment is over a sex shop and there, with the help of his assistant, Bob, Father McGinty tries to save the souls of those sinners who frequent this seedy part of the city. But Father McGinty is not only a priest; he’s also a famous private detective.

Bob Brisket. A 16-year old who resembles a Glaswegian bare-knuckle fighter dressed as a choirboy. Not a pretty sight. Bob was a former juvenile delinquent with a string of convictions until Father McGinty persuaded him to give up a life of crime and join the choir. When not singing, he uses his fists, (and boots), along with his former criminal talents to help Father McGinty solve his cases. Needless to say, there are those uncharitable souls who hint that a priest living with a choirboy can mean only one thing. But Father McGinty maintains their relationship is entirely Platonic. And even if he were that way inclined, he claims he couldn’t do anything about it because the Good Lord has chosen to render him totally impotent. Nevertheless, the rumours persist.

The Adventure of the Holy Water

We open with their first case. Whilst relaxing in their apartment, Bob remarks on the invigorating qualities of the Isle of Sillies Holy Water. The water, which comes from a well in a cave under a monastery, is bottled and sold by the monks of the Holy Order of St Cuthbert. The qualities remarked on by Bob are very similar to Viagra. An effect that is never mentioned directly by anyone, least of all the monks who bottle it. The fear being that if they did then they might have to stop selling it. And it’s bringing in a fortune. So the Church has decided to go along with the subterfuge and, like everyone else, merely remarks on its “invigorating” effects.

Having some time to spare, Father McGinty gets out his chemistry set and decides to analyse the Holy Water. He decides that its yellowish tinge probably comes from sulphur deposits deep down in the earth. Then comes a shock. There’s no sulphur in it. Instead, the Holy Water contains traces of urea, inorganic salts, proteins, hormones and a number of metabolites. In short, it’s urine! When Bob says he finds it hilarious that people are actually paying good money to drink the earth’s piss, Father McGinty points out that the earth doesn’t wee. This came from a living creature. He and Bob decided to pay a visit to the monastery and investigate.

Father McGinty pretends they’ve come on a retreat. Telling the monks they’re selling bottled piss might prove traumatic. The Abbot shows them to their rooms explaining that the monastery is very popular as a retreat. He hopes Father McGinty and Bob won’t be overdoing things. Some of their guests leave looking more exhausted than they did when they arrived. And the loud moaning from the guest quarters is a distraction at prayer time. Father McGinty assures him there’ll be no problem. He himself is totally immune from its invigorating effects and Bob has promised to abstain. As Father McGinty enters his room he sees a large crate of Holy Water in the corner. He and Bob exchange glances.

The next day the two of them, looking as if they haven’t slept, pay a visit to the well to find it dry. A monk tells them not to worry. This happens all the time. The well will run dry for a while and then fill up again. When Father McGinty points out that this is unusual, the monk replies that the Lord moves in mysterious ways. We ourselves move down to Hell. Satan, who bears a resemblance to Ronnie Rotten in Lazy Town, is sitting at a table with two figures from a traditional nursery rhyme book. One is the Queen of Tarts and the other is King Cole. After quaffing a huge flagon of ale, Satan declares he needs a piss. He walks over to a huge ornate urinal and lets fly. Being Satan it’s like a fireman’s hose.

In the cave there’s a loud gurgling sound and the well fills up. ‘There I told you,’ says the monk. ‘And it’s got a good head on it.’ Father McGinty and Bob leave the cave. Bob says assuming it’s not God having a slash, who else can it be? Maybe there are prehistoric creatures down there, like in that film. Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Father McGinty says he has a suspicion but it’s so unthinkable he daren’t voice it. Meanwhile, on the island a party of hikers have spotted some mist. In it they see a strange oval shape. Suddenly there’s a loud explosion. A few hours later a farmer spots the bodies of the hikers.

Father McGinty examines the bodies and finds what looks like large pieces of eggshell that have acted like shrapnel. We cut to a wood. Two Japanese children and their parents have come across what looks like a house made of gingerbread! Needless to say they take photos. Then they go inside and...well, we know the rest. In the town, a strangely dressed man goes into a bakery. The people notice he looks a bit simple. The man goes berserk. Using a mixture of Bruce Lee and Thai kickboxing, he decimates the customers and staff. Looking down at a display of meat pies he mutters, ‘I hate pies,’ and proceeds to mash them up with a flurry of karate punches through the plastic cabinet.

On the high street a plump looking boy with large hands is throttling women. And as this is going on two huge eggs on legs enter the police station and blow up. There’ll be no help from the Old Bill. When news of this reaches the monastery the Abbot sends for Father McGinty. As a famous detective it’s up to him to solve this mystery. If these incidents are allowed to continue they could have a negative effect on the tourist trade. Visiting the monastery library, Father McGinty finds an ancient tome. The people who did this weren’t dressed up like nursery rhyme characters; they were nursery rhyme characters. As Bob and the Abbot express their doubts, Father McGinty opens the book. He tells them that the original nursery rhymes were much darker. We see some examples...

Old King Cole was an evil old soul,
An evil old soul was he.
He called for his sword and he call for his axe,
And he killed everyone he could see.

The Queen of Tarts she broke men’s hearts,
And laughed for their death was slow.
A Brave of Heart,
He killed that Tart,
And sent her down below

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Choked the girls and made them die.

When the King and his men came to call,
The Humpties Dumpties formed a wall,
And exploded, killing them all.

They were used to warn children of the demons that lurked in hell. But over the years they were watered down. It seems like Satan has unleashed the forces of hell. Bob puts on his fighting gear. The type of gear worn by those WWF wrestlers, the Legion of Doom. As the battle begins our dynamic duo use a range of fighting skills. For his fight against King Cole, Father McGinty dons some armour he finds in the museum and we witness a medieval joust. Battling the Queen of Tarts he uses the same weapons she does – a range of sex toys. Armed with a flamethrower Bob neutralises the Humpty Dumpties by hard-boiling them before they can explode.

In the end Satan orders his minions back in. He tells our duo that there was fissure in the sewage system. The urine was meant for the sinners suffering eternal punishment. Unlike the living, it has no invigorating effect on the souls of the dead. After being lashed with razor wire for a few hours they’re herded into a gigantic vat filled with Satan’s piss. This acts like lemon juice on the cuts they’ve received. The fissure had grown big enough to allow his minions access to the world of the living. It was his fault. Too busy partying, Satan had allowed Hell to fall into a state of disrepair. He had no intention of conquering earth because most of the population will end up down there anywhere. ‘Not if Father McGinty can help it! cries Bob. Satan laughs. ‘What have people been drinking for the past four years?’ We end on Bob and Father McGinty as they look at each other in horror.